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Column: Pouring the Red Whine

Part two of Eric Davidson’s Bruise Cruise edition of Pouring the Red Whine is a pre-cruise chat with comedian Neil Hamburger wherein they discuss comedy, malady, and traveling on the Greyhound. If you missed it, check out Eric’s hilarious interview with none other than King Khan right here. And if you wanna know what really happened on the boat, look for our Bruise Cruise recap next week!

By Eric Davidson

As “America’s Funnyman,” comic Neil Hamburger has traveresed the globe for a decade-plus, bringing laughs, groans (mostly groans), and the occasional regurgitated lunch to unsuspecting crowds of indifferent gawkers who are usually there for the happy hour prices. And even as Hamburger’s iffy fame has grown to include in-on-the-gag collegiates and the more adventurous late night talk show hosts, even he couldn’t have guessed he’d be playing a cruise full of some of the latest greatest trash rock and puke-shined shuffleboard, but that’s just what’ll happen when he boards the Bruise Cruise this week down in Florida.

Mr. Hamburger, you seem like a guy who would get pretty bad sea sickness. Is this ship trip a good idea?

I am going to bring a box of vanilla wafers on board, as they are said to cure any malady. It’s more the ear cancer I’m worried about, as a lot of these bands are inept at producing melody.

Then again, you seem like a guy who has done some cruise gigs before, or at least a Greyhound bus tour? Any particularly memorable sea-faring or bus-slogging performances?

My only show at sea to date was on a floating nightclub on the River Thames in London, which went off without incident (aside from a few sour faces). I’ve finally abandoned Greyhound tours. I have become weary of trying to avoid the festering open wounds of my fellow passengers as they nod off next to me on a Methadone high.

Can you give us a sneak peak of any new material you’ll be premiering on the Bruise Cruise?

Can you give me a sneak peak at the news stories you’ll be publishing next month? No? No! What are they paying you for this? Whatever it is, it’s more than you should be getting paid for writing an article in which you ask an interview subject a question like that.

If the ship begins to sink, which band do you think should be saved first?

Whichever one volunteers to give up playing music forever in exchange for being saved.

What are your plans when you get back on dry land? Are you going to take a break, or is it back on the tour road?

I have a lot of shows booked around the world this spring, including Visalia, California, and Perth, Australia. We’re also working on a film.

When was the first time you realized that you were destined to be a comedian?

When I was “let go” from an even more menial, degrading job.

You must have some opinion of Lana del Ray. Enlighten us on the inexplicable popularity of her, please.

Stop trying to coax free jokes out of me.

You posted on Twitter (I hate saying “tweeted,” cuz it sounds like I’m 4 years old) that list of celebrities, and how much they charge to post ads as cute little (oh fuck it) tweets. Where’d you get the info? And thanks!

I found it while conducting an investigation into the Twitter habits of Papa Roach.

What was your favorite recent gig, and why?

Texas Theatre, Dallas, a couple weeks ago. It is the very theater where Lee Harvey Oswald was apprehended. When a room has the weight of history attached, the performance can only benefit.

Is there a town that you absolutely refuse to ever perform in again? If so, why?

No. I will go anywhere a laugh is needed. I did a show for an audience of two people in Launceston, Tasmania, in 2002, and returned in 2009, when the audience had more than quadrupled in size.

Why will Courtney Love not eat chocolate bunnies at Easter breakfast this year?

Because she has been banned from shopping at her local 99 Cent Only store, and would be arrested for trespassing the minute she walked in the door to buy them.

Finally, why did the chicken cross the road?

There was a KFC across the street from a meat processing plant. He crossed the road in a bag.